How Not to Talk to Women: Cosplay and Gaming

When it came to popularity in high school (many years ago), I fell into that vague category of knowing a lot of people without really hanging out with any of them.  So, when my social circle started expanding ever further near the close of senior year, I found myself on the couch of a neighborhood friend – whose broad reach of likeability, athleticism, and extrovertedness, landed him many lauded achievements in the way of yearbook photos – one morning. 

Amongst his friends, all present at the time, were the quintessential cool kids.  Every archetype fulfilled by the affable tough-guy, hard partying sidekick, obligatory stoner, and the most popular girl in school (that…that’s not hyperbole). 

Kinda like this.  (The club, not the link)

I’d never spoken to this girl directly.  Though, to be fair, I never found her interesting enough to make the effort.  It seemed, however, the opportunity would come this morning.  Names fail me, but I’d still change them.

Example 1: Here’s where things begin

I noticed something very odd that morning; in the way everyone treated the popular girl.  Upon waking from a couch nap, Tough Guy loudly announced to the room at large (but mostly in the direction of Popular Girl) that laying on one’s stomach ‘makes mean boners.’  He then proceeded to ask Popular Girl if she knew this fact, and followed up with a suggestion on how she could best help him get rid of it.  She tittered in good humor as a response.

Some minutes later, Stoner Guy asked her if she’d like a beer, commenting ‘maybe today we can get you drunk enough to see you naked.’  Again, Popular Girl laughed.

Whatever Sidekick said to her has been lost in the mists of memory, but I remember the entire interaction as being repulsive in a way that made me very uncomfortable.  I don’t know if it was because I was expected to participate in this, if it was because this seemed like the most normal thing to them and she was completely inured to it, or if I just felt uncomfortable with her tacit acceptance of everything.

At some point, everyone else had decided to step out, which left Popular Girl and myself alone together on opposite ends of the couch facing each other.  I couldn’t help myself, so I asked (exact words from both of us), ‘Doesn’t it bother you that they talk to you like that, and that they’re all trying to sleep with you in spite of claiming to be your friends?’

Her answer bothers me to this day:

‘Oh, they’re just playing around.  They do it all the time, they don’t really mean it.’

The sad, sad fact of her naivety coupled with the absolute truth that yes, they did mean it, was enough to dissuade me from ever pursuing a friendship with all but the host (again, he’s really the nicest guy ever).

Example 2: Kelly Jean and Atomic Mari

The last few weeks over the holidays, moving into a new house and being alone, have brought upon all kinds of boredom.  Without Netflix or my books to keep my brain distracted, I turned hungrily to the Internet for entertainment. 

Kelly Jean as Alice (twitch)

Kelly Jean is one of my favorite cosplayers and gamer girls.  If you’ve never seen one of her twitches as she destroys people in League of Legends (and is thusly one of the reasons I stopped playing that damn game), go here.  She’s funny and she’s a fantastic cosplayer. 

I had never watched a twitch before, so it was fun to watch a game played in real time.  What was utterly mortifying, were the incoming comments from anonymous users.  In my disgust, I didn’t screen capture any of the comments of the first day.  The moderators, fortunately for Kelly, were generally very quick to delete offensive comments.  There were so many, though, that they couldn’t get all of them.  Here’s a very VERY small sample space from the second day I watched:

Beat_tengudoomzy: Best things come in small packages

Xnukegaming: <message deleted>

Mafiailipidor: U WANT MY COOKIE MM?

Porphyriontr: We want your <3

 

The first day dealt mostly with asking to see her breasts, wondering what she was wearing under her pants, asking to sleep with her, telling her they were going to do criminal things to her.  In short:  a lot of <message deleted>’s. 

I wanted to tell her not to listen, not to give into that type of sexual assault (I was going to use the modifier ‘borderline,’ but the border had been crossed), not to crumble under that for want of more followers, that not every gamer is a complete pervert.

It doesn’t stop there.  In addition to watching twitches, I also que’d up Smosh’s Game Bang on YouTube.  It’s essential a group of friends playing games for a variety of challenges.  Mari is the token gamer girl on the show populated with guys.

It’s clear that these people are friends.  Their interactions are that of a close-knit group, but if you pay attention to the attitudes in the context of example 1, you’ll see that Mari is treated like Popular Girl.

Example 3: Cosplay as a Profession

My own guilt drives this last example.  Here’s some honesty.

When it comes to certain people (like Jessica Nigri Sushi …  sorry, that’s what I call her), I am biased.  Without ever having met her, I see the overt sexualization of cosplay in a way that panders to an audience of perverts and lonely men, so she can sell prints and make money. 

I used to.

 Tying everything together and resolutions:

The unfortunate part about what I’m about to say next, is that anyone reading this probably already feels the same way.  The cosplay community (and to a lesser but growing extent, the gaming community) in general, is of the mindset that this type of behavior and thought is unacceptable.  And that’s great!  People are aware, and awareness is spreading, and it needs to continue until all of this is just a bad memory.

Ensani Volz is my favorite (not one of, but The) cosplayer.  She’s a great friend.  Never once did I have a second thought about her enjoying what she does, never once did I think to criticize her when it came to selling her prints.  I’ve even bought some to support her.  Hell, she’s inspired me to do photo shoots and get my name out there. 

Best. Harley. Ever.

So why, if it’s okay for her, is it not okay for someone else?  It isn’t enough to just say that we support one while still condemning another.  Entire thought processes need to change.  It isn’t up to (in this case) me, to believe that someone is pandering to an audience or perpetuating a stereotype, because that’s just as bad as me going on-line and saying <message deleted> at a stranger.  Who am I to think ill of someone who is truly having fun? 

Here’s what Ensani had to say about it:

Hi, this hobby has turned into an industry. And just because someone sells prints/makes money off of cosplaying and making costumes doesn't mean that they don't give a shit about the characters they cosplay or aren't doing it to have fun AND ALSO make some extra money. I adore each and every character I've cosplayed. I've put my heart and soul into the characters I've cosplayed. Every new character on my "to cosplay" list, I love and fangirl and theorize about with weird headcanons. I want to expand my craft, learn more about sewing and creating props and armor. I want to make amazing, finely detailed, glowing axes and learn to create flowing, embroidered ballgowns. 
And if I'm able to make some spare cash so that I AM able to do these things, what is so damn wrong about that?

Kelly also had some words for the people that were bugging her.  Tying what she said in with what I felt about Jessica, and what Ensani said – Kelly brought up to the point that characters that she cosplays LOOK like that.  More than adding to that point though, I am thrilled she stuck up for herself instead of backing down:

if I may take two minutes to be vaguely serious: I have always worn what I like when streaming. I have streamed in tees and jumpers. But I refuse to be bullied into not wearing things that have cleavage (when it is not even breaking the rules - often in cosplay which is supposed to look that way!). I am a stubborn lady, so when I started to receive unnecessary harassment (rape threats, really??) it just made me more want to show how I will not be forced to dress one way or the other to appease anyone. I will continue to do so until this is not an issue, because I hope one day it is not.

And finally, on changing our thought processes:

Gaming is lagging (see what I did there?).  Anonymity has bred foul-mouthed little rodents that don’t hesitate at all to spew racial slurs and sexual attacks at any and all in reach.  It’s commonplace when it shouldn’t be. 

I love Game Bang, but if I were to watch that as my younger self, if I were to play games online as my younger self…I’d be shaped by what I hear and what I see.  I wouldn’t think twice about talking to people like that.  I’d think it normal to treat girls like that. 

Just because that’s the way it’s always been, doesn’t mean it’s the way it has to be.  I’m stoked when I see people stick up for what they know is right, what they enjoy.  I’m proud to be friends with people like that. 

And I’m sorry for ever thinking the way I did about strangers I’ve never met.

All I ask, from anyone reading this, is all I’ve ever asked: 

Pass it on, and help stomp this kind of thing out, because <message deleted> is not how you talk to girls.

I won't lie...

I just found the closest sword.
I'll have real cosplay pictures up eventually.

Here’s some solidarity (and some humility, but not much):

I know why villains monologue:  If you spent time and effort to put together some Rube-Goldbergian style plan to off the protagonist, wouldn't you want SOMEONE to know about your hard work?  It's all about validation.