Beer

Let's just get this out of the way:

I FUCKING HATE BEER.

Seriously, it tastes like someone ran a half-marathon, then pissed in my mouth.  The aftertaste has just a hint of vomit (because I threw it up, because I fucking hate beer).

This marathon runner.

However, I will not begrudge anyone their beer, if beer is their thing.  Completely understandable, beer has a rich history!  I respect that.  It's a science, it's a culture, it's an art.  Here are some beer facts:

1 - Historians have found written evidence of beer consumption as far back as 5,000 BC.

2 - Straws exist because of beer!  Early beers were not filtered, and straws performed a filtering function.

3 - When beer made it to Egypt, it became so popular, new hieroglyphs were created.  Eventually, barely and yeast were added to Pharos tombs.

4 - In the Middle Ages, beer was safer than water, as the alcohol would kill off bacteria.

5 - Monks brewed beer for pilgrims and these breweries became the first taverns.

6 - In 1506, the Germans established the beer purity law stating that only water, malted barley, malted hops, malted wheat, and though never specifically laid out, yeast, were allowed in the creation of beer.  The Reinheitsgebot is still in effect today.

7 - Beer comes in many varieties.  Stouts, pale ales, lagers, and the list is always changing and updating.

8 - Beer also comes in many flavors.  As the popularity of craft beers grow, new flavors are introduced constantly.  Everything from Apple to Chocolate to Raspberry Wheat to White Grape.

9 - Beer will never not taste like runner piss to me.

And vomit.

Telling me, or others like me, that I just haven't found the right one isn't going to change my opinion (or my tastebuds).  Saying, "No, no no no, you really have to try this one, it's so good," doesn't make me want to try it any more, it only makes me hate you.

So, go!  Enjoy your beer!  Craft it!  Promote it!  Drink to your heart's content!

But stop trying to push it down our fucking throats unless we ask you to help us find a beer we would enjoy or, one day, we'll make you swallow the bottle.

Feel free to sacrifice me to the God of Agave, though.

-I used to find all of this amazing, I used to dream of being a spaceman.  Now?  Now it was expected.